Social networks are constantly inventing new terms to describe realities that are often shared. One of the latest, which is particularly popular with young parents, is the phenomenon of “gramnesia”. This expression, a contraction of the words “grandparent” and “amnesia”, refers to the apparent oblivion of some grandparents to the realities of raising a young child.
Gramnesia: the origins of a viral term
While the inventor of this word is not clearly identified, the concept has been circulating for several years on online forums. It was in June 2024 that American therapist and mother Allie McQuaid, known as @millennialmomtherapist on Instagram, popularized the term with a video that went viral. In it, she expresses surprise at how some grandparents seem to have forgotten the reality of parenting.
Her video has generated over 4.4 million views and thousands of comments from parents sharing their own experiences of “gramnesia”. Numerous anecdotes describe grandparents who were convinced that their children slept through the night as soon as they came home from the maternity ward, that they ate everything without complaining, or that they were potty-trained from the age of one. It’s as if new parents were making a big deal out of what parenthood really is.
According to a 2021 Ifop survey, 19% of French people feel that since the birth of their child, relations with their parents have become complicated. For 17%, they have become strained, and another 17% describe them as “distant”.
Why does “Gramnesia” exists?
According to McQuaid, several factors may explain this phenomenon:
- Selective memory
Over time, our memories become blurred, and our brains tend to embellish the past. This phenomenon, known as “euphoric recall”, encourages us to remember difficult experiences in a more positive light. As a result, some grandparents no longer really remember their own children’s sleepless nights, tantrums or food refusals. - The evolution of educational practices
What was recommended 30 or 40 years ago is not necessarily recommended today. New discoveries in pediatrics and child psychology have transformed the way children are brought up. Some old-fashioned advice, such as putting rice in the bottle to encourage sleep, or letting a baby cry to get used to it, is no longer advisable. - A lack of emotional expression in previous generations
Unlike today’s young parents, who have more freedom to talk about their difficulties, previous generations tended to hide their parental suffering. Education was often seen as a duty to be fulfilled without complaint, which explains why some grandparents feel that everything was easier for them back then.
A phenomenon that frustrates young parents
Remarks stemming from “gramnesia” can be irritating for today’s parents, who feel invalidated in their difficulties. When a grandparent declares: “You never had any issues with authority”, “You ate everything without a care in the world”, “You never had a tantrum like that”, “I taught you to be potty-trained in a weekend”, it can give the impression that young parents are not doing their job properly.
However, it’s important to take a step back from these remarks. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore certain comments than to enter into a sterile debate. But if the frustration becomes too much, it’s possible to calmly express your feelings by rephrasing the criticisms received from a personal angle:
Rather than replying “That’s not true, I’ve had plenty of fits too!”, you can say “When you say that, I feel like I’m not up to it and it makes me uncomfortable.”
A reality shared by many parents
Reactions to the viral video show that “gramnesia” is a worldwide phenomenon. Many young parents talk about how their own parents can’t stand a few hours with their grandchildren, even though they insist that they’ve never had difficulties with their own children.
Others talk about the gap between grandparents’ expectations and their actual involvement. Today, some elderly people would like to have a privileged relationship with their grandchildren, but without taking on the associated responsibilities, which creates tensions with parents.
Questioning intergenerational transmission
If “gramnesia” is a source of frustration, it also highlights generational differences in parenting. Educational practices have changed, mentalities are evolving, and the way families interact with children is no longer the same. Being grandparents for the first time is also a complicated thing for them to apprehend. They have to learn their new role, without encroaching on that of the new parents.
Accepting that grandparents have an idealized vision of their own experience can help to manage these conversations better. After all, they often want to do the right thing and are only interested in passing on their experience. Striking a balance between gratitude and assertion of one’s own parental role is essential to maintaining harmonious relations within the family.
Published by the Editorial Staff on